However, as a salesperson, you are not doomed to the mixed messages and meanings characteristic of poor communication skills. With a conscious effort, all business and sales professionals can overcome the communication barriers that block understanding in negotiation. With a little extra effort, you can improve the delivery of your message to your counterparts and work together toward a mutually beneficial agreement.

Use the following six rules for effective communication to connect with others at the negotiating table and in all forms of communication:

Rule 1: Organize Your Thoughts

Throughout the negotiation process, always allow yourself time to organize your thoughts to avoid conveying the wrong message or confusing the issues. Before you start the negotiation process, and even after it starts, take notes and plan what you’re going to say.

To help you express your thoughts clearly when the negotiations begin, outline in advance the main points you want to cover. Planning the gist of what you’re going to say is the most effective way to avoid sending mixed messages, but don’t stop with that. As the negotiations commence, continue to take notes and plan your responses as you go through the entire process. And remember, no law exists that says every statement must be met with a response within five seconds. Take your time. In fact, silence can be one of your most powerful negotiating tools.

Stop talking whenever you feel like you need to reorganize yourself and before you respond to anything that’s said. And make sure everything you say reflects the true meaning of your thoughts. This tactic not only helps you organize what you’re going to say, but it also helps you digest what your counterpart proposes.

Rule 2: Don’t Think About It; Think Through It

Thinking about something leads to confusion, but thinking through something leads to clarity. The difference between these two processes is a crucial distinction in communication. Many times, people approach negotiations with a mindset of, “Tell it like it is, then let the chips fall where they may.” But by processing an idea through to its logical conclusion, you can evaluate the possible responses you may get from the other side.

For example, if you make an offer and say, “Take it or leave it,” what kind of response would that produce? The other party may say, “Okay, we’ll take it.” They could say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” They could say, “We won’t take it, but here’s what we will accept.” Or they might say, “No one talks to us that way!” and walk out of the room.

A range of possibilities exists, and this tactic requires careful reading of the other person’s reactions. But if you feel from your experiences with the person that they will either accept your offer or your counteroffer, it makes sense to speculate and take the chance. So give some thought to your counterpart’s possible reactions to your points before you actually make them.

Rule 3: Recognize that Actions Speak Louder than Words

Experts say that seventy-five percent of communication is nonverbal. This means that the messages negotiators convey have more to do with their looks, their actions, and the way they say things, than with the actual words they say.

The best negotiators practice saying and doing things in ways that send precisely the message they want to send. The bottom line is that the better you become at using nonverbal communication and reading the nonverbal messages others send, the more effective you can be as a negotiator. Realize that everything you do at the bargaining table is part of the communication and negotiation process. So make sure you don’t send the wrong messages by doing something that conflicts with what you want to say.

Rule 4: Be Concise

Most people tune out a majority of what they hear, so you should always be concise and get right to your point. Say what you mean in as few words as possible, without being blunt. If you drone on, people will stop listening to you. To ensure your message reaches your counterpart, always oversimplify your message, and then elaborate as they ask questions. Repeat your main point several times to emphasize what’s most important.

To boost your negotiating power even more, practice saying everything clearly and concisely, then repeat your key points to yourself again and again. One main problem with negotiation communication occurs when your counterpart gets too wrapped up in what they want to say, that they don’t pay attention to what you say. This is why it is so important to organize your thoughts, and say your main points in a concise, compelling way.

Rule 5: Always Translate Your Message into Benefits for the Other Party

People always listen more carefully when they believe some benefit exists in your message for them. In negotiations, focus on that benefit, even when the underlying purpose of the message is in your favor.

For example, when you interview for a new job, you don’t talk about the huge salary the company can offer you. You talk about all the great skills you can bring to the company, for their benefit. You try to convince them that they’ll be ahead of everyone else by hiring you, regardless of the cost.

As a salesperson, you should always highlight the value of your product or service, rather than the cost. Always talk in terms of what benefits the other party receives as a result of the negotiation terms.

Rule 6: Listen Carefully to the Other Party

If you want to reach a mutually beneficial agreement, you must make sure your message are heard and understood. But don’t get so caught up in your own message that you don’t hear and understand what the other party needs to reach an agreement. Use the following tips for listening more effectively:

• Open your mind and be receptive to the other party’s message.
• Make a commitment to listen, and follow through with this commitment as soon as they start to talk.
• Listen for feelings, as well as facts, and consider the other party’s concerns.
• Eliminate distractions. Close your door, turn of the radio, and tune in to the other person.
• Respond to the other party with questions that stimulate conversation and clarify your understanding of his or her message.
• Take notes on the important points the other party makes, and keep these points in mind as you formulate your responses.

As you improve your listening skills, you increase your negotiating effectiveness by collecting more information to use in your search for solutions.

Communication is the Key to Effective Negotiation

Communication is a two-way street that requires everyone involved to exchange messages. To negotiate more effectively, you must relate to the other party with strong communication skills. By using these six rules for effective communications, you can overcome barriers, reach a higher level of satisfaction every time you negotiate, and win more sales in the process.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

When you meet with someone at the bargaining table who doesn’t want to play fair, you can protect yourself without trickery or manipulation. Use the four following defense tactics to prevent an unethical negotiator from swindling you out of a mutually beneficial sales agreement:

Defense Tactic #1: Maintain Your Standards

If a person approaches negotiations aggressively out of ignorance, you may be able to win them over eventually. Most people don’t really want to make enemies; they just fear being cheated. If you can demonstrate to them that you’re interested in a fair deal, they will usually drop the aggressive routine and work with you.

But never compromise your own standards, even when tempted by an unscrupulous counterpart. Keep in mind the saying, “When you fight with a pig, you both get dirty – but the pig likes it.” In other words, even if you win, you’ve lost by stooping to their lower level. So maintain your own high standards; and if the other side refuses to play by the same rules, you may need to try the next tactic.

Defense Tactic #2: Don’t Fight Back Directly

Fighting with others is always difficult and usually less productive than working together to produce an acceptable agreement. When you’re pitted face-to-face with an aggressive counterpart, don’t resist their attack by being belligerent or aggressive in return. If they insist on their position, don’t counterattack with yours. Try asking them, “Why do you feel that’s the only option?” or “How do you think that will affect me?” By asking them to provide an honest explanation for why their offer

When your negotiating counterparts attack your position or your ideas, ask for more specific input. Ask them to explain exactly what they don’t like about your offer. By inviting their criticism, you force them into working with you.

Another important point to keep in mind is that you’re a human being and you deserve to be treated like one. More often than not, if you refuse to play by their aggressive rules, they’ll eventually back down.

Defense Tactic #3: Call in a Third-Party Arbitrator

Negotiation situations rarely get to the point where a third party is needed because one side refuses to play fair. But you may encounter a situation where you need a completely impartial person with no links to either side of the negotiation to guide the process.

The benefit of bringing in a third party is that they can shift the negotiations from positional bargaining to interest-based bargaining. By viewing all sides objectively, the party can plan agreements that take into account everyone’s interests and help prevent one side from manipulating the other. Ideally, two sides should be able to overcome differences, but a third party involvement is the best option when progress becomes impossible.

Defense Tactic #4: Bail Out

When you can’t persuade your counterparts to negotiate honestly and openly, and a third party mediator doesn’t help, then abandon the negotiations, at least temporarily. Sometimes deals aren’t meant to be made, but you can also strengthen your position by walking away from the bargaining table. And sometimes, both parties need to reconsider what they really want and what they are willing to give. Certainly, walking away is a drastic last resort measure, but sometimes it’s the only way to get your counterpart to play fair. And the way you walk out also makes a difference in the result you produce.

For example, if you say, “I need more time to think this over,” or “I need to consult with my superior,” you imply that you’ll consider your counterpart’s position. This tactic works well if you’re dealing with people who negotiate in good faith. It gives you more time to plan a new strategy and gather additional information. But if you’re dealing with a negotiations shark, then saying you need more time is tantamount to raising a white flag. You send a message that says, “I realize that my only option is to go with your proposal.” Then when you return to the bargaining table, your position is very weak.

On the other hand, if you withdraw by saying, “Let me know if you decide to take my offer,” that’s like saying, “This is my offer, take it or leave it.” This statement effectively ends the negotiation process and lets your counterpart know that they have no choice but to take your offer.

Another option for walking out would be to say something like, “Obviously we’re getting nowhere. Let’s take some time to rethink things and if either of us comes up with a new idea we can meet again.” With this method, either party can call another meeting without weakening their position. And most important, you leave your options open.

Using Your Defenses

Negotiations can be a complex process, even under the best circumstances. But dealing with an unethical counterpart can be impossible if you don’t know and use your defenses. When you maintain your high negotiating standards and protect yourself by not directly fighting back, you help to maintain a mature level of communication at the bargaining table. If that doesn’t work, you may need to call in a third party mediator to oversee the process. And keep in mind that you can always bail out as a last resort.

When you use these four defense tactics against an unethical negotiator, you can protect yourself and your interests, and successfully reach more beneficial sales agreements.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Everyone uses these tactics, but that doesn’t mean that negotiations can’t be fair. Some tactics are acceptable, while others are downright sleazy. Tactics are part of the process, and you can use them and still maintain your negotiations on an honest level. In other words, the use of tactics doesn’t necessarily mean tricking or manipulating people.

Some tactics are simply tools to expedite the negotiation process; others are used to take advantage of the other person. To be successful in sales and business, you must be able to differentiate between the fair and unfair negotiation tactics so you can use the good ones to your advantage and deflect the questionable ones. Consider the following ten negotiation tactics and the methods you can use to deflect them:

Tactic #1: The Wince

The wince can be explained as any overt negative reaction to someone’s offer. For example, you might act stunned or surprised when your negotiating counterpart names their terms. This tactic tells your counterpart that you know your limits, which isn’t under-handed or dishonest. And wincing at the right time can potentially save you thousands of dollars. Keep in mind that when deals are negotiable, your counterpart will start high.

Of course, you won’t always be the wincer. Many times, especially in the sales profession, you’ll be on the receiving end of the wince. In this case, you can counter with the next tactic.

Tactic #2: Silence

In the negotiation process, silence can be your strongest tool. If you don’t like what your counterpart has said, or if you’ve made an offer and you’re waiting for a response, just sit back and wait. Most people feel uncomfortable when conversation ceases, and they start talking automatically to fill the void. Almost without fail, your counterpart will start whittling away his or her position when you use this tactic.

So what if you find yourself negotiating with a person who understands the importance of silence as well as you? Rather than wasting time in silence, restate your offer. Don’t make suggestions; just repeat your terms. This maneuver forces the other person to respond, and more often than not, they respond with a concession.

Tactic #3: The Good Guy/Bad Guy Routine

This sleazy tactic is often used in movies, where two detectives are interrogating a person who’s just been arrested. One detective seems unreasonable and inflexible, while the other tries to make it look like he or she is on the suspect’s side. This tactic is designed to get you to make concessions without the other side making any in return.

If you find yourself in a good guy/bad guy situation, the best response is to ignore it. Recognize this game for what it is, but don’t play along and don’t allow the good guy to influence your decision. The best technique is to let your counterparts play their game, while you watch out for your own interests.

Tactic #4: Limited Authority

This tactic is a variation on the good guy/bad guy routine, but instead of two people working over you, the one person you’re dealing with tells you that he or she must approve any deals with an unseen higher authority. Sometimes, this higher authority exists, but other times your counterpart will create this figure to gain an edge in the negotiation process.

So just because your counterpart tells you, “It’s out of my hands,” don’t automatically assume the person is being honest. In this type of situation, two options exist: one, ask to deal directly with this so-called higher authority; or two, test the limits of your counterpart. You may find that although the other person has used this tactic to force you into backing down, if you keep at him or her, you may get what you want.

Tactic #5: The Red Herring

This technique comes from fox hunting competitions, where one team drags a dead fish across the fox’s path to distract the other team’s dogs. At the bargaining table, a red herring means one side brings up a minor point to distract the other side from the main issue. Effective and ethical negotiators generally agree that this tactic is the sleaziest of them all.

When your negotiation process is bogged down with a minor problem, and your counterpart insists on settling it before they’ll even talk about more important issues, then you are probably dealing with a red herring. In this case, use extreme caution, and suggest setting the issue aside temporarily to work out other details.

Tactic #6: The Trial Balloon

Trial balloons are questions designed to assess your negotiating counterpart’s position without giving any clues about your plans. For example, you may ask your counterpart, “Would you consider trying our services on a temporary basis?” or “Have you considered our other service plans?” Essentially, these types of questions put the ball in your counterpart’s court, and the nice part about them is they aren’t really offers. They allow you to gain information without making a commitment.

When you’re on the receiving end of a trial balloon question, you may feel compelled to answer it thoroughly. To maintain your edge, resist this temptation and counter with another question. For example, if someone asks, “Would you consider financing the house yourself?” respond, “Well, if I did, what would your offer be?”

Tactic #7: Low-Balling

Low-balling is the opposite of the trial balloon. Instead of tempting you to make the first offer, your counterpart will open the process with a fantastic offer. Then after you agree, they start hitting you with additional necessities.

For example, say you see an ad for a product priced lower than other stores. But then after you agree to buy, the sales representative uncovers the hidden costs, such as shipping or installation. In the end you probably pay more than you would have at another store listing a higher price on the product. To avoid falling victim to this tactic, ask your counterpart about additional costs before agreeing to any deal.

Tactic #8: The Bait-and-Switch

Similar to low-balling, the bait-and-switch tactic should be avoided. Your counterpart may try to attract your interests with one great offer, but then hook you with another mediocre one. This tactic will almost always burn you, unless you can recognize it. If your counterpart were really able to offer a genuinely good deal, they wouldn’t have to resort to bait-and-switch.

Tactic #9: Outrageous Behavior

Outrageous behavior can be categorized as any form of socially unacceptable conduct intended to force the other side to make a move, such as throwing a fit of anger or bursting into tears. As most people feel uncomfortable in these situations, they may reduce their negotiating terms just to avoid them.

However, the most effective response to outrageous behavior is none at all. Just wait for the fit to die down before reacting, because emotional negotiations can result in disaster.

Tactic #10: The Written Word

When terms of a deal are written out, they often seem non-negotiable. For example, when was the last time you negotiated a lease, or a loan, or even a service contract that was typed up in advance in an official-looking document? You probably assumed these deals were non-negotiable, and for some reason most people make the same mistake of accepting terms that appear in writing.

The best defense against this tactic is simply to question everything, whether it appears in writing or not. You’ll inevitably run into some standard, non-negotiable documents, but it never hurts to ask questions. You may be surprised how many contracts actually are negotiable when challenged.

Better Negotiations in the Future

People have used these ten negotiation tactics for years, but that doesn’t mean they are always fair. So before you rush into your next negotiation situation, make yourself aware of these tactics and how they affect the process. When you learn the uses and defenses of these negotiation techniques, you can reach more mutually beneficial agreements and win more sales on better terms.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Tactic #1: Return to a Prior Agreement

When your negotiations hit a difficult snag, the easiest solution is to stop and look back at all the agreements you and your counterpart have reached so far. Returning to a prior agreement causes everyone involved to focus on the positive breakthroughs you’ve made up to the point where you hit the snag. This tactic gives both parties hope for resolving the deadlock, and is sometimes enough to nudge people into compromises.

As you review your prior successes, say, “Look how far we’ve come. We’ve worked through all these problems and settled all these terms; surely we can come up with a solution on this issue.” Encourage your counterparts to focus on the big picture, instead of hanging on to one minor point.

Tactic #2: Take a Hypothetical Approach

Every problem has a number of solutions, and you can resume progress by looking at each solution and weighing the pros and cons. Approaching a problem from a hypothetical angle enables you to zero in on the individual points causing the holdup. This tactic forces you to closely examine all the elements involved in pursuing the option, and through the process you can discover exactly what the other party doesn’t like about it.

Present the option in question to your counterpart by saying, “Imagine if we did it this way. What are all the possible consequences?” By taking this approach, you may discover a small adjustment that will make the option acceptable. It also prevents you from scrapping an option completely and returning to the drawing board in search of new solutions.

Tactic #3: Identify Negative Consequences

Sometimes difficult situations require more severe solutions. If your counterpart won’t make a decision or agree to a concession, you may be forced to identify the negative consequences they face. This tactic is the strongest of all, and can be very effective when nothing else seems to dislodge objections blocking progress.

When discussions don’t seem to be getting anywhere, you can say something like, “If we can’t settle this to my satisfaction today, I’ll be forced to get my lawyer involved.” Quite often, a statement like this will at least get their attention. By using this tactic, you let your counterpart know that you’re serious and that you won’t be hassled.

Tactic #4: Play on Your Counterpart’s Emotions

Although you’re always supposed to leave your emotions out of negotiations, your counterpart doesn’t necessarily know that. And sometimes, all you need to get action is to trigger their emotions. But use some caution with this approach, because this tactic only works on some people; others are completely oblivious to it.

When you’re extremely close to a mutually beneficial agreement but for some reason you can’t get it together, try saying, “Is this issue going to ruin our negotiations? This is making me feel bad. I hate that we can’t seem to move forward on this.” This statement, followed by silence can have a tremendous impact on your counterpart’s resolve. But some may take it as a sign of weakness on your position. So use this tactic carefully and you’ll be surprised how frequently it works.

Tactic #5: Call a Time-out

An effective way to get action when negotiations become bogged down is to take a break. This approach allows both parties to cool off and look at the situation more objectively, and it signals to your counterpart that you’re unhappy with the terms being offered. Realize that a time-out is not a final cutoff, like a take-it-or-leave-it statement, but it does let your counterpart know that you’re not willing to haggle over minor details forever.

Try saying, “We don’t seem to be making progress, so why don’t we take some time to think about what we’ve accomplished so far and consider whether or not we want to continue.” Maybe you or your counterpart will come up with a new solution during the break.

Tactic #6: Defer Issues to an Objective Third Party

As a last resort, when none of the other tactics dislodge your snag, you can always bring in a neutral third party to help clarify issues and perspectives. A third party can look at the issues and positions without bias, and propose solutions that he or she believes will benefit everyone involved.

In extreme cases, you may consider submitting to a binding arbitration, where you and your counterpart agree to let the third party decide on the terms. In this situation, you agree in advance to accept the third party’s terms, whatever they may be. But before you defer the negotiations to a third party, be sure you are in a position to live with an objective decision. If both parties agree on taking this route, an arbitrator can solve even the toughest stalemates.

Stay on Track in the Future

When all parties involved in negotiations are sincerely interested in producing mutually beneficial agreements, they are less likely to get hung up on insignificant issues. But many times, even under the best circumstances, the decision-making process in negotiations can hit a wall. Knowing what’s at stake, what the issues are, and what each party wants doesn’t always guarantee that negotiators can smooth out their differences. So when your negotiations hit a difficult snag, use these tactics to get over the negotiation impasses and resume progress toward success.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Everybody's Heard of It

If there's one thing we all know about negotiation it's the "Split it down the middle" (SIDTM) technique. You're very close on the purchase of your first car (in my case, a 1956 Thunderbird in 1966), the difference between what the seller is asking [$850 for the T-bird] and what the buyer is offering [$750 is what I'd offered], and so one party offers and the other party accepts an inducement to "split it down the middle."

Everybody's Used It

In the realm of give and take it's almost genetic. On every continent, in every culture, in every kind of transaction the SIDTM technique is known and practiced.

What Makes it Attractive?

Why does SIDTM work? What dimensions of this technique cause it to be so universally embraced?

Fairness is first. The element of fairness in SIDTM is extant in the fact that both parties give and both parties get something. The SIDTM compromise works for both parties. We obtain a concession... we grant a concession. What could be more fair?

Time savings is also an important and valuable consideration in SIDTM. We all have an internal time clock running within our gut. There comes a juncture in many negotiations when we conclude the expenditure of additional time on a particular transaction- becomes counter-productive... Let's just "split it down the middle and get this thing over with!"

Finally, SIDTM is the transition from negotiation to performance. The closure provided allows us to begin to receive the benefit of our bargains.

It's a Great Tactic, an Awful Strategy

This wonderful tactic, however, can lead us into an awful strategy. Why? It seems as though the combination of an almost universal death of negotiation training and the almost universal knowledge of SIDTM have resulted in a default strategy....

When our strategy is to "split the difference" between our offer and our counterpart's offer it naturally follows that we would establish a relatively extreme position. Since we know we will not get what we ask for... we ask for a lot more than we really think is reasonable.

Unless our counterpart is ignorant, the natural response to our extreme position is to state an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

Now what? We expend tremendous amounts of energy defending our clearly extreme position. Until when? Until a mutually perceived deadline. Then what? Some form of SIDTM behavior with predictable distasteful results.

The buyer returns to his or her office and grouses "I could have bought for less if I'd held out a little longer." The seller returns to his or her office and complains "I could have sold for more if I'd held out a little longer."

What an awful strategy! We establish extreme positions, we defend these silly positions until some perceived deadline. Then we split the difference in some fashion with predictable dissatisfaction. There must be a better way!

Reject the Strategy... Retain the Tactic

The source of our solution is to understand the difference between the kinds of issues presented in any particular negotiation scenario. Principle issues and positional issues.

SIDTM is most useful in positional negotiation. However, principle negotiation should logically come first.

Fisher and Ury in their wonderful book Getting to Yes provide a concise explanation of the difference between principle and positional issues. The book is a tremendous addition to your negotiation library.

In short, principle issues reflect the values, objections, decisions, and interests we feel support our contemplated transactions. Positional issues represent the actual amount, place, time, or concessionary equilibrium we finally reach.

Sister is at home doing her homework at the kitchen table. Brother comes home and turns on his "Offspring" CD at the 150 decibel level.

Her position: "Turn that off! I can't do my homework with all that noise."

His position: "I live here too and I want to listen to my music!"

This is a common set of stand-off positions with no real apparent compromise.

Brother and sister could agree to specific times for homework and music listening. Mom and dad could eject one or both of them from the house. However, neither of these solutions offers long term satisfaction.

They could split it down the middle... turn the music down half-way. However, this situation is only a partial resolution of their differences. The SIDTM solution builds in the seeds of mistrust.

If he leaves the living room she goes in and turns the music down. When he comes back he notices the reduced volume level and turns the music back up... not to the previous level but to an even higher level.

She wants silence. He wants to listen to real loud music. How can they both get what they want?

Headphones! Headphones allow both parties to have all of what they are looking for in this everyday example of give and take.

If we can become clear as to what we really want in a transaction and why we want it, and if we can become clear as to what our counterpart wants, and why; then, a "headphones" type solution is highly probable.

Application of the New Strategy

In sales and marketing this new principle driven strategy is seen in the consultative selling approach. We learn what our customers want rather than simply selling them what we have.

When our customers complain we make in-depth inquiry into the sources of dissatisfaction rather that simply waving a policy manual at them.

A "headphones" type solution is potentially possible in almost every negotiation scenario. But, we need to spend time and effort working toward that solution. If not, we fall back into the old patterns.

SIDTM is a great tactic... but it's a lousy strategy.

By the way, I bought the T-Bird for $800 and sold it two years later for $1,200... thought I was a genius! I wish I still owned that car today.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Our early ancestors settled on a division of labor, dictated largely by biological necessity: The women bore the children and carried within their bosoms their infants' first food supply. Hence, Mama stayed home with the kids while Papa went hunting Mastodons and fighting bad guys from other tribes.

Mama dug up roots and picked berries to go with the meaty victuals Papa brought home, but outside the Clan of the Cave Bear, she was an observer, not a participant in the hunt.

From early history, boys and girls grew up in separate cultures, schooled in separate roles. Not surprisingly, then, men and women developed identifiable styles of communication. Papa's language was the language of the hunt and the fight; the language of competition. Mama's language was the language of hearth and home; of nurturing and cooperation. It should not surprise us that men and women frequently misunderstand one another, even in everyday communications.

Even into modern times, girls were expected to learn the arts of housekeeping—cooking, sewing, child-rearing—while boys were expected to learn trades or enter the professions. Men were strong and assertive while women were beautiful and submissive.

Some women did embark on careers, but only those reserved for the "fairer sex": teaching, nursing, and occasionally writing.

But whatever role they chose, they were expected to be women first—virtuous, yielding, dainty and pretty.

Throughout history, the strongest have made the rules, and until modern times the strong were the people with the muscles and agility—which meant the men.

Women could negotiate, but only from positions of weakness, since men made the laws and had the brawn to enforce them.

Today strength still prevails, but power is no longer measured by the size of your biceps. Technology has leveled the playing field so that women can fly airplanes, drive 18-wheelers, and operate construction cranes as skillfully as men.

They can also program computers, chart market trends and plot corporate strategies with all the finesse that men can muster. They are joining the men in the hunt, and when the men try to force them away, they don't have to defend their status with a club; they can wield the law instead.

Increasingly, women are taking their places at corporate tables as fully participating executives. They are interacting with men as equals, not as subordinates.

The "man's world" that used to exist has been evaporating - sometimes slowly, to be sure—ever since women won the right to vote.

Women have more than doubled their representation in non-clerical white-collar jobs in American companies since the 1960's, and now occupy almost half these positions. But a 1994 survey by the Wall Street Journal showed that women still held less than a third of the managerial jobs in the 38,059 companies that reported to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in 1992, the latest year for which data were available. And among 200 of the nation's biggest companies analyzed by the Journal, women held just one-fourth of the jobs classified by the EEOC as "officials and managers" - a broad category that includes a wide variety of supervisory posts, from the manager of the janitorial service to the CEO of the company.

At the vice presidential level, women made up an even smaller percentage—less than 5% in 1990, according to Catalyst, a nonprofit research group in New York that studies women in business.

Many women get the feeling that this preponderance of males in top positions creates a management culture that is hostile to females.

Companies that do succeed in populating their executive suites with a sizable female contingent find that it becomes easier to attract able women.

The Sara Lee Corp. began hiring women into high-level jobs during the 1980's and, as The Journal put it, "watched the cultural changes trickle down." The newspaper quoted Gary Grom, senior vice president of human resources: "The more women in top management jobs, the more women are attracted to them." The reason this is true is that women find it easier to relate to other women and men find it easier to relate to other men.

Women often don't fit into the corporate culture—which was developed by and for men.

Wells Fargo is a company that has succeeded in changing their corporate cultures into a blend of genders. By the early '90's, about two-thirds of its management people were women. By 1992, seven of the 38 executive vice presidents and 19 of the 108 senior vice presidents were women.

Companies such as Sara Lee and Wells Fargo demonstrate that when a certain critical mass is achieved, the genders can form a successful blend.

The ideal situation—the one toward which we hope we are moving—would be a work force populated equally by men and women at all levels, with equal opportunity for all.

In such an environment, men and women would develop a common language based upon common activities. A language in which the best features of both are blended.

This gender-blended language will enable men and women to communicate precisely and comfortably with one another-across the conference table, and across the dinner table... and gender-blending is already a work in progress.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

I'd tried all my best techniques with the counter attendant but to no avail. Wearing a suit to appear the perfect upgrade candidate, smiling, commiserating with her obviously heavy workload, volunteering to move up to business or first class to help better distribute weight throughout the aircraft. Nothing worked.

No one gets what they want every time—Even Mr. Negotiator. However, the real lesson here is never give up.

While the obvious objective of an upgrade was not obtained, the seat between myself and the fellow next to me was however, blocked (unoccupied) by the counter attendant. And it was a full flight.

Every adversity offers an equal or greater opportunity! The reputation of this mantra helped me to accept my fate—Seat H, Row 58 in Economy.

Polite introductions were exchanged between myself and my fellow occupant (Bob) of Row 58 (Right side Economy on a 747-400 aircraft).

Through three meal services, two bar services, and four feature films, we became better acquainted.

It turns out Bob was a writer from The New York Times traveling through Sydney to Papua, New Guinea. His assignment was to write an article on travel and leisure.

By exchanging information and references, Bob and I made a great deal on our (LawTalk is our company) new legal lifestyle magazine. In return, I provided him with suggestions on how to navigate through Customs and Immigration in Sydney, and what sights to see before he traveled north to the jungle.

We negotiate everyday. And, we never know when the use of our give-and-take talents will result in an unforeseen long term benefit.

The Southern Cross Hotel in Sydney is a great place. The staff at the Southern Cross is so congenial that I choose to stay there each time I travel to Sydney.

"This is a suite, isn't it?"

I received a suite for the same price as a regular room.

Always ask for an upgrade when you book your hotel reservation and again when you check in.

After a week of heavy negotiation on several business deals, it was time to go home. Seat 58H was bad enough. On my return flight, I convinced the counter attendant to allocate me seat 48H (Bulkhead exit row). More leg room! (I thought.) Unfortunately, 48H is also the area where people congregate waiting for an opportunity to use the bathroom. "Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it!" was my new mantra.

Remember, world-class negotiation techniques are powerful tools but we should always keep in mind that we use these techniques door-to-door—one person at a time.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Mistake #1

Wanting Something Too Much-If you give the impression that your life depends on getting that job, or car, or house, or business deal, you are in trouble. Once your counterpart gets a hint of your desperation, you're dead. Remember "the person who cares least about the outcome always gets the best deal."

Mistake #2

Believing Your Counterpart Has All The Power - This is rarely, if ever, true. Remember, all parties want something, or they wouldn't be at the bargaining table. Ask yourself, "Why are they negotiating with me?"

Mistake #3

Failing To Recognize Your Own Strengths-Always try to determine your negotiating strength before you sit down at the bargaining table. The key to assessing your strengths and weaknesses is to know where you stand. Information of this kind is the true power in any negotiation.

Mistake #4

Getting Hung Up On One Issue-This is called fixed-mind negotiating. When our counterpart uses this approach it's usually the old "red-herring". When we fall into this pattern it is usually a "pet-peeve". In any event, virtually no negotiation involves one and only one issue. If you think yours does ... you are making a big mistake.

Mistake #5

Failing to See More Than One Option-Seldom do negotiations break down to only one option. There are almost always several choices of action. Creativity is the key to avoiding the "one-option" mistake.

Mistake #6

Adopting A Win-Lose Mentality-Mutual benefit is the name of the game when the Pros negotiate. If both parties are not happy, then performance becomes the problem. Anyone can shake hands on a deal. Performance only follows if benefit is derived. Otherwise, "unilateral renegotiation" is the result. Not Good!

Mistake #7

Too Much Grinding-Negotiation is a skill and an art. Understanding and using tactics is relatively simple. The real distinction between the Pro and the amateur is the judgment call to end the give-and-take and proceed to performance ... that is the art.

Mistake #8

Short Term Thinking-Some negotiators go for immediate payoffs, rather than seeking a long-term relationship. Long-term doesn't necessarily mean over a lifetime. It can show up later in the same negotiation session. Be careful about grinding someone down on one point. They will get you back on another issue.

Mistake #9

Accepting Opinions, Feelings and Statements As Facts-"Our client would never agree to a proposal such as this" ... "We don't feel we can pay more than $1,000 for your product" ... "Our budget doesn't provide for an additional installation fee". An opinion, a feeling, a statement ... None are facts. Don't be fooled.

Mistake #10

Accepting Firm Positions-"This is our final offer." Everyone who has any level of experience has said this ... and then made another offer. Don't buy it!

Mistake #11

Believing That Having More Authority Gives You More Negotiating Power-It is quite convenient to be able to say "I'd love to be able to work with you on these figures, Mr. Buyer. But all our prices are determined at our headquarters in Boise, Idaho. I'm afraid nothing short of a coup is going to change them."

Everyone makes mistakes. The value of becoming a student of the art of negotiation is that most of us can reduce the frequency of our mistakes and increase the frequency of optimum returns. With a little diligence and practice anyone who is committed can Negotiate Like The Pros.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

Predictably, they soon started playing practical jokes on each other...sneaking up on each other, rubber snake tricks, etc.

Quickly tiring of these games, they started pulling these little pranks on their houseboy Wan. They liked this good natured Korean boy-happy to have the job-and figured they'd include him in their practical jokes.

They would tie his boots together while he was sleeping and make loud clanging noises with their mess kits. Wan would jump up, thinking the enemy was attacking, and fall right on his face. Ha Ha!

They'd hang a bucket of water above his door and place a tripcord in the threshold. Then, they would call Wan into the room, and watch him get drenched.

One day the soldiers were sitting around drinking, and someone commented that Wan seemed a little down. They quickly realized that the cause of Wan's depression was the practical jokes they had been playing. They had only meant to make him feel included, but obviously he only felt humiliated. The soldiers apologized and promised never to do it again.

Wan's quick reply was "Ok, GI...then I'll stop spitting in your soup." Gross but poignant.

Anytime we deal with others in an unethical, or manipulative manner, we risk the same fate as our GI friends.

Maintaining an attitude of integrity, ethics, and fair dealing in any negotiation is not only the right thing to do...it's the least costly in the long run.

Remember what mom said..."Be nice..." Not only is mature adult conduct in negotiations its own reward...You'll avoid people spitting in your soup.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.

There is no more profitable expenditure of time than the time spent preparing to negotiate. Here's your checklist:

1. Know what you want and don't want ...

Most of us have a general idea of what we want or want to avoid in a deal. Unfortunately, general objectives tend to render general results ... leading to second guessing and dissatisfaction.

Instead, write a paragraph describing in detail what you want and don't want from the transaction, then, edit this description furiously until it is laser focused and precise.

When we are crystal clear on our objective(s) and rationale(s) for their acquisition, we are most likely to achieve desired results.

2. Know what your counterpart wants and doesn't want ...

Now do the same for your counterpart. Write the description of what your opposite is looking for and seeking to avoid.

This exercise tends to be a real stumper ... and eventually a real eye-opener. Knowing our counterpart's goals, objectives, and sought after results helps us see commonalities that lead to creative solutions.

3. Know what concessions you are willing to give ...

What must you absolutely achieve to consummate a successful bargain?

What terms, conditions, extras could you live without? Every great negotiator knows there must be give and take on both sides for agreements that make sense.

4. Know your alternatives ...

Remember when you bought your first car? Mine was a 1956 T-Bird. The ,guy I bought mine from told me, "I like you and want to sell you the car ... but there's another person coming over in 30 minutes who also wants the car." Wow, did the dynamics of the negotiation shift on the spot. Having an alternative vendor or supplier really helps your level of confidence.

5. Know your counterpart and your subject matter ...

A lot of information is available to us on personality styles, body language, and neuro-linguistic programming. Remember transactions take place between people ... and people view the same facts and appeals differently. Subject matter is simple ... Know it cold-there is no excuse for being ill informed ... and lost credibility is rarely recovered.

6. Rehearse

You know how to get to Carnegie Hall! It's the same road to negotiation success - Practice - Practice -Practice! Attend swap meets and flea markets ... They are wonderful opportunities to sharpen your skills. Remember use it or lose it!

Most negotiators rarely, if ever, thoroughly prepare to negotiate. But this is the magic! Try this checklist before you negotiate ... Your returns will improve dramatically.

John Patrick Dolan, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist Criminal Law, CSP, CPAE is a recognized expert in the field of negotiation. He travels throughout the world presenting lively keynote speeches and in-depth training programs for business and legal professionals. Call 1-888-830-2620 for more information.